I said I was ready for the vicissitudes of child-rearing. Bring it on - I said arrogantly. And boy has it ever been raked in - vicissitudes wise we are scaling some pretty decent heights. Dealing with major boundary issues - how much computer time are you allowed? When privilege of computer has been taken away for transgressions - how do you punish the child for sneaking behind your back and playing computer anyway while you are away. What to do about the cover ups of the sneaks ups. Are they lies? Or an act of self defence? Will not curbing them develop the child into a pathological liar? Will curbing them to harshly just induce the child to hide more?
The books and Dr Spock, wax eloquent about setting boundaries and communicating them very clearly to the child. They also say to communicate very clearly the consequences of not respecting the boundaries. They have been mum on the topic of communicating the consequences of not respecting the boundaries of the consequences. Huh, Say that again? That's right - I figure I am just a muddle headed mom - who does a bad job of communicating both boundaries and consequences.
And I fret - o how do I fret - about this whole parenting issue. The hubby has a fairly easy solution - swift smacks on the bottom. There's communication for you. But how long does this method last? Does it guarantee that when the bottom smack-able age has passed, a beautiful boundary bound and consequence cognizant adolescent rises from the ashes of this baffled 10 yr old.
And baffled he is - yes he has done things that he should not do - but he does not seem to be able to help himself. He nods vigorously when I practice the preachings of the books on him - perhaps just to get me to shut up - but I do sense a small child somewhere that wants to do what is right ..... but oh! no computer is so cruel a punishment and if she does not know I played computer on the sly, and I complete ALL my god zillion pages of homework -it should not really matter. Should it? If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, was there a sound? Or something like that.
I do love this child - so so much. I do fear where these green shoots of misdemeanour will lead to, unaware how they will develop - either into bigger mischief or to hinder the potential for achieving great things. I am hoping for the normal sitcom solution to such situations where the child miraculously understands the errors of his way and hugs his parent - and then willingly gets grounded of a month. Happily ever after.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
A Journey of a different kind
I return to a rather stale topic - working mom or stay at home mom. I got support from a rather unexpected source yesterday. My 9 yr old had been appalled when I quit my position as VP in a bank April 2008. "You will have no name cards!" he exclaimed. "And your Blackberry? You will have no blackberry!"
I had thought he would be thrilled at the idea of mom staying at home, but he was rather disconcerted. I later found out that that he used to very proudly tell everybody that his mother was a "Banker". Well, since the beginning of this year I have thrown myself with gusto into the business of Financial Advisory. I have been worrying whether in my desire to succeed in my chosen vocation I have been neglecting the children.
"So what do you think of Amma working as a Financial Consultant?" I ask.
"I think its good. You help others plan their finances, which is a good thing." say De thoughtfully.
"As good as being a banker?" ... "Yes, as good." comes the response.
"But do you think I should spend more time with you? "
"No, I think you are trying to spend some time with me - that's enough. Besides, I like asking you about your work."
"But don't you sometimes wish Amma would be at home and cook you your meals?". "Naat really....." says he, "Aunty can do it quite well! I think you would be better off going out to work. Anyway, just strike a balance between working and spending time with me. There is no need to give up working."
Children do have the knack of making things simple - if Aunty can do the cooking quite well, why on earth would you want to do it? My new namecard sits proudly in his collection of his parents' namecards - the blackberry is not missed, because I have all these wonderful software from various firms I represent spewing illustrations used in financial planning.
This has to be added to the list of grown up statements / reactions from De:
1) Amma, don't agonise your day, organise your day.
2) "Are you busy, Amma?" - the opening statement anytime a phone call is made to me during the day. The understanding he displays - his mother may be otherwise occupied and may not be immediately available - is to me, astounding. If I am in a meeting, it is always followed by "call me when you are free."
3) Its ok for you to want to do well in what you do Amma. I think it is quite natural for people to want to succeed in their chosen profession ....... (and I am not paraphrasing)
I do lament that I am unable to travel geographically due to a myriad of constraints - kids' school, financial consideration of 4 people travelling, kids' preferences when travelling, reluctance to holiday without the kids - oh the list is endless. But then I think of the journey this child has made - from almost sheer silence upto the age 3 to these incredibly fascinating conversations at almost 10. Through travel I mostly seek to grow as a human being - to understand different perspectives. As far as growth is concerned - this journey of parenthood has certainly been an intensely rewarding one.
I certainly look forward to the pittstops ahead - come as they might with warnings of treacherous alleys and slippery slopes through adolescence and beyond.
I had thought he would be thrilled at the idea of mom staying at home, but he was rather disconcerted. I later found out that that he used to very proudly tell everybody that his mother was a "Banker". Well, since the beginning of this year I have thrown myself with gusto into the business of Financial Advisory. I have been worrying whether in my desire to succeed in my chosen vocation I have been neglecting the children.
"So what do you think of Amma working as a Financial Consultant?" I ask.
"I think its good. You help others plan their finances, which is a good thing." say De thoughtfully.
"As good as being a banker?" ... "Yes, as good." comes the response.
"But do you think I should spend more time with you? "
"No, I think you are trying to spend some time with me - that's enough. Besides, I like asking you about your work."
"But don't you sometimes wish Amma would be at home and cook you your meals?". "Naat really....." says he, "Aunty can do it quite well! I think you would be better off going out to work. Anyway, just strike a balance between working and spending time with me. There is no need to give up working."
Children do have the knack of making things simple - if Aunty can do the cooking quite well, why on earth would you want to do it? My new namecard sits proudly in his collection of his parents' namecards - the blackberry is not missed, because I have all these wonderful software from various firms I represent spewing illustrations used in financial planning.
This has to be added to the list of grown up statements / reactions from De:
1) Amma, don't agonise your day, organise your day.
2) "Are you busy, Amma?" - the opening statement anytime a phone call is made to me during the day. The understanding he displays - his mother may be otherwise occupied and may not be immediately available - is to me, astounding. If I am in a meeting, it is always followed by "call me when you are free."
3) Its ok for you to want to do well in what you do Amma. I think it is quite natural for people to want to succeed in their chosen profession ....... (and I am not paraphrasing)
I do lament that I am unable to travel geographically due to a myriad of constraints - kids' school, financial consideration of 4 people travelling, kids' preferences when travelling, reluctance to holiday without the kids - oh the list is endless. But then I think of the journey this child has made - from almost sheer silence upto the age 3 to these incredibly fascinating conversations at almost 10. Through travel I mostly seek to grow as a human being - to understand different perspectives. As far as growth is concerned - this journey of parenthood has certainly been an intensely rewarding one.
I certainly look forward to the pittstops ahead - come as they might with warnings of treacherous alleys and slippery slopes through adolescence and beyond.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Kids!
Found in daugther Div's notebook - My bother's name is Dev. Hmm - children never lie. Big brother is a big bother mostly.
Dev has had another growth spurt and at 9 stands slightly higher than my shoulder. We were talking about how he was getter bigger and bigger. After a slight pause Div asked seriously "Is he going to burst?" and profferred an explanation "you know like the balloon gets bigger and bigger and bursts!"
Dev took the swimming survival test couple of weeks ago. About 20 kids set off to swim 8 laps in the olympic sized pool as part of the test. Dev started well - but began to lag even the tiniest of participants. Now I am a new age mom - I believe trying something is as important as the result and that it is important to give one's best to everything. So when he seemed to be struggling, with a firm resolve not to judge and only to encourage, I walked the lengths of the pool along with him, shouting out words of encouragement. I was heartened to note that my efforts were bearing fruit - I heard Dev say to himself "Don't Stop. Don't Stop".
I felt chuffed. What a wonderful mother I was. When Dev, an avid computer enthusiast, fulfils what, it seems to us, will be his destiny in something to do with IT - he will remark in his first major print interview, what a positive influence his mother had been on him. Thoughts such as these swirled in my head.
As he emerged out of the pool dead last, fifteen minutes after the kid before him, I went up to him. "Well done, Dev", I said, hoping he would make a mental note of how his mother had only sought to encourage not criticise; expecting I know not what, but some recognition for having walked the course with him. "So what's the plan for the day?" he asked. Just like that, no reference to the swimming. Coming from Dev, that question was shorthand for "when can I have my alloted hour of computer time." Hmm - a small disappointment. "We will talk about that later. But, did you like that Amma walked with you? Did it help you? I heard you say "dont stop, dont stop"? " I asked. Ok, my mom was not into new age stuff - results mattered to me!
He looked a little startled, waited a little and then said "Did you hear don't stop - I think I was saying Desk top."
Kids!
Dev has had another growth spurt and at 9 stands slightly higher than my shoulder. We were talking about how he was getter bigger and bigger. After a slight pause Div asked seriously "Is he going to burst?" and profferred an explanation "you know like the balloon gets bigger and bigger and bursts!"
Dev took the swimming survival test couple of weeks ago. About 20 kids set off to swim 8 laps in the olympic sized pool as part of the test. Dev started well - but began to lag even the tiniest of participants. Now I am a new age mom - I believe trying something is as important as the result and that it is important to give one's best to everything. So when he seemed to be struggling, with a firm resolve not to judge and only to encourage, I walked the lengths of the pool along with him, shouting out words of encouragement. I was heartened to note that my efforts were bearing fruit - I heard Dev say to himself "Don't Stop. Don't Stop".
I felt chuffed. What a wonderful mother I was. When Dev, an avid computer enthusiast, fulfils what, it seems to us, will be his destiny in something to do with IT - he will remark in his first major print interview, what a positive influence his mother had been on him. Thoughts such as these swirled in my head.
As he emerged out of the pool dead last, fifteen minutes after the kid before him, I went up to him. "Well done, Dev", I said, hoping he would make a mental note of how his mother had only sought to encourage not criticise; expecting I know not what, but some recognition for having walked the course with him. "So what's the plan for the day?" he asked. Just like that, no reference to the swimming. Coming from Dev, that question was shorthand for "when can I have my alloted hour of computer time." Hmm - a small disappointment. "We will talk about that later. But, did you like that Amma walked with you? Did it help you? I heard you say "dont stop, dont stop"? " I asked. Ok, my mom was not into new age stuff - results mattered to me!
He looked a little startled, waited a little and then said "Did you hear don't stop - I think I was saying Desk top."
Kids!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Slumdog Millionaire - Part One : The Movie
Totally agree with HPBlog : which game show would go for a commercial break after the question has been revealed? But then, Indian cinema goers regularly check in their sense of disbelief at the ticket counter - actually all moviegovers do that (remember Dumb and Dumber?), to be collected on their way out of the cinemas. So it would be querulous to dwell on that point. Apart from that and a couple of minor complaints (which I will get to) - I enjoyed Slumdog Millionaire. It was a delightful love story.
It is always a problem when one watches a movie that has won multiple awards - very few actually live up to the hype. Slumdog had the additional distinction of igniting a burning debate on the portrayal of the slums. On both counts, I felt the movie fell short. While the movie was well made and extremely engaging it was not earth shattering in anyway. It did not define a new cinematic experience, the story did not make you reach out to dark recesses of your psyche or evaluate your values, the acting was ordinary - music was good - but will I remember it 10yrs later - like I remember some other rahman songs? Cinematography wise it captured the momentum and dynamism of Mumbai well I thought, but then again I am no expert on that aspect of filmmaking. I can only judge it by how it moved me and I felt the 2 hours that I spent in the cinema, I thoroughly enjoyed.
Minor complaints related to the sketch of the Sikh family denying the 2 boys some rotis on the train while the American tourists showered them with dollars. Middle class India is not heartless. Perhaps they would not have condoned the kids stealing, but they would certainly have not begrudged hungry children 2 rotis. Also not all tourists are bleeding hearts - some tourists come to India with suspicion and skepticism in their waist pouches together with their passports, thanks to unflattering reports in the media of some aspects of life in India. My own in-laws travelled to India in 1996 with mineral water bottles from Malaysia as they had seen a programme on CNN saying that mineral water bottles in India may be tampered with.
What I liked best was the editing that kept the story moving at a great pace, while not losing any of the emotional dimensions of the story (please Hindi movies, no 4 minute songs on judai, after hero and heroine have been separated.)
So the verdict on the awards is that it was over-hyped, probably more an emotional response to a story - rather than a commendation of the many aspects of the art of filmmaking. I remember walking out after watching Omkara, an Indian adaptation of Othello, stunned, happy, sad; with a great sense of being involved in a story that I had known every twist and turn of, even before I stepped into the cinema hall. That to me is powerful storytelling. I did not feel that awe about Slumdog. I will remember, years later, that the movie was a multiple Oscar winner - but are there individual scenes etched in my mind - like there are scenes from Gandhi? Not really.
Finally, I wish Anil Kapoor had been less of a monkey on the red carpet and more gracious at the stage.
It is always a problem when one watches a movie that has won multiple awards - very few actually live up to the hype. Slumdog had the additional distinction of igniting a burning debate on the portrayal of the slums. On both counts, I felt the movie fell short. While the movie was well made and extremely engaging it was not earth shattering in anyway. It did not define a new cinematic experience, the story did not make you reach out to dark recesses of your psyche or evaluate your values, the acting was ordinary - music was good - but will I remember it 10yrs later - like I remember some other rahman songs? Cinematography wise it captured the momentum and dynamism of Mumbai well I thought, but then again I am no expert on that aspect of filmmaking. I can only judge it by how it moved me and I felt the 2 hours that I spent in the cinema, I thoroughly enjoyed.
Minor complaints related to the sketch of the Sikh family denying the 2 boys some rotis on the train while the American tourists showered them with dollars. Middle class India is not heartless. Perhaps they would not have condoned the kids stealing, but they would certainly have not begrudged hungry children 2 rotis. Also not all tourists are bleeding hearts - some tourists come to India with suspicion and skepticism in their waist pouches together with their passports, thanks to unflattering reports in the media of some aspects of life in India. My own in-laws travelled to India in 1996 with mineral water bottles from Malaysia as they had seen a programme on CNN saying that mineral water bottles in India may be tampered with.
What I liked best was the editing that kept the story moving at a great pace, while not losing any of the emotional dimensions of the story (please Hindi movies, no 4 minute songs on judai, after hero and heroine have been separated.)
So the verdict on the awards is that it was over-hyped, probably more an emotional response to a story - rather than a commendation of the many aspects of the art of filmmaking. I remember walking out after watching Omkara, an Indian adaptation of Othello, stunned, happy, sad; with a great sense of being involved in a story that I had known every twist and turn of, even before I stepped into the cinema hall. That to me is powerful storytelling. I did not feel that awe about Slumdog. I will remember, years later, that the movie was a multiple Oscar winner - but are there individual scenes etched in my mind - like there are scenes from Gandhi? Not really.
Finally, I wish Anil Kapoor had been less of a monkey on the red carpet and more gracious at the stage.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Thought Bubbles
I had a frenzied, but thoroughly invigorating weekend - to the extent that I felt I had accomplished a lot. The only negative point would be the awful movie that I perversely watched through to the end on Sunday night. Trust the Man boasted of a very talented cast : Julianne Moore, Maggie Gyllenhaal (I really like her, its so sad that she gets overshadowed by that beautiful brother of hers) Billy Crudup (an intense actor that I really liked in some movies that I really can't remember. I think I remember him primarily for making my "short guys that I find attractive" list. Yes, I am a heightist and will not apologise for it - so shoot me!) and finally David Duchovny (whose life imitates art, as David checks into a self help group for sex addiction in this movie before checking into rehab for the same in real life. Hmmm). The movie was engaging in very small slivers, primarily due to the cast. The plot was thin, it lacked the emotive depth of a drama or the sheer comic value of a rom-com to make up for the lack of story line. The ending was utterly, utterly cringeworthy. Makes you think that even the half decent rom-coms require considerable talent to pull off and also really appreciate the genius of those auteurs whose work one finds immensely enjoyable.
The full length windows in our living room are a good reflecting surface at night. My daughter D, was doing her puzzles as I watched the movie. Suddenly she stared at her reflection intently. This went on for a couple of minutes, she was focussed and seemed to be thinking hard, almost willing something to happen. When she caught me looking at her, very earnestly she asked, "Amma, why is that thing not coming?" - while drawing a thought bubble over her head.
Ah, the wonderment of a child. And why do we ever lose it?
The full length windows in our living room are a good reflecting surface at night. My daughter D, was doing her puzzles as I watched the movie. Suddenly she stared at her reflection intently. This went on for a couple of minutes, she was focussed and seemed to be thinking hard, almost willing something to happen. When she caught me looking at her, very earnestly she asked, "Amma, why is that thing not coming?" - while drawing a thought bubble over her head.
Ah, the wonderment of a child. And why do we ever lose it?
Friday, February 20, 2009
Midweek Oasis
I had a great night out on Wednesday. Thanks to Caustic Yoda and his friends from New York, as well as some old friends from Singapore. We had dinner at Lau Pa Sat and then had couple of drinks at Emerald Hill and Arab Street. Part of the fun was going back to Emerald Hill after nearly half a decade and discovering a very cozy nook in Arab Street - most of it however was the company.
J and D were New York residents who were on a 3-week, perhaps month long trip of Southeast Asia. I really liked both of them. They were B-school grads, lived and worked in NY - all of which ratcheted up my estimation of how they rated on the intelligent-suave-cool scale. Not that they were not any of the above, but they were both incredibly warm human beings above everything else - unassuming yet intriguing personalities, whose conversations weaved between present and past - their Cambodian experience with street children selling postcards was told with as much good humour being stared at while touring the Singapore National Museum; stories of this trip were peppered with references from past trips and updates about friends from New York. What I found remarkably reassuring was the way they shared their experiences - they did not make headline statements about Singapore or Cambodia or anywhere else, seeking to sound well travelled or worldly wise. They did not dissect, examine and make a thesis of any of their experiences. They were not boastful nor condescending yet ribbed each other good humouredly throughout the evening. I think much had to do with the lilting cadence of J's narration and the gentle smile with which D made most of his observations. It was also good to have 'met' a part of a good friend's life, of which I had only had very fleeting glimpses thus far.
It was nice to have spent a light evening not talking about the economic crisis or the imminent collapse of the banking system. Not arguing if investment bankers had had their comeuppance or whether capitalism was dead. It was my midweek oasis.
J and D were New York residents who were on a 3-week, perhaps month long trip of Southeast Asia. I really liked both of them. They were B-school grads, lived and worked in NY - all of which ratcheted up my estimation of how they rated on the intelligent-suave-cool scale. Not that they were not any of the above, but they were both incredibly warm human beings above everything else - unassuming yet intriguing personalities, whose conversations weaved between present and past - their Cambodian experience with street children selling postcards was told with as much good humour being stared at while touring the Singapore National Museum; stories of this trip were peppered with references from past trips and updates about friends from New York. What I found remarkably reassuring was the way they shared their experiences - they did not make headline statements about Singapore or Cambodia or anywhere else, seeking to sound well travelled or worldly wise. They did not dissect, examine and make a thesis of any of their experiences. They were not boastful nor condescending yet ribbed each other good humouredly throughout the evening. I think much had to do with the lilting cadence of J's narration and the gentle smile with which D made most of his observations. It was also good to have 'met' a part of a good friend's life, of which I had only had very fleeting glimpses thus far.
It was nice to have spent a light evening not talking about the economic crisis or the imminent collapse of the banking system. Not arguing if investment bankers had had their comeuppance or whether capitalism was dead. It was my midweek oasis.
Monday, February 16, 2009
BeLonging
I am on FaceBook. Funny how a social networking site which I only thought had appeal for teeny-boppers has become so popular with the 30-40 somethings who count as my friends, acquaintances, colleagues, past and current.
Recently however there has been a flurry of activities among my friends joining groups or becoming fans of groups. My best friend seems to be on a musical odyssey, leaving a colourful trail of musical genres and groups that I scarcely know of, as he frenetically adds his name to burgeoning fan-lists. Some have joined causes supporting rights of Indian women to celebrate Valentine's Day while others will attend a photo-essay supporting the rights of Nepali women to education. Groups are being formed to bring together old schoolmates from far flung cities together in cyberspace (one enterprising former classmate of mine got together about 18-20 members of our 50 strong Std X class after nearly 18yrs of no contact). Memories are being shared, anecdotes exchanged, embarrassing photographs uploaded and compared with current photos with families in tow.
Is it FaceBook/Internet and the avenue it provides for interaction on multiple planes and a grandiose scale or is it the economic crisis which has rocked our foundations, that is spurring this flight to attain a sense of belonging? Do we need to redefine ourselves not as bankers, consultants, journalists, teachers but as friends, activists, aficionados, intellectuals? Is it helping to turn the clock back a little, taking us to more exciting times where we dreamt of changing the world, stayed up all night discoursing ideas, sought to experience new sensations through music or written word or cinema? Or is it just that the crisis has left us with a lot of time on our hands?
I feel a sense of bewilderment amidst this activity though. I have chosen this time, not reach out wider or explore life from the perch of experience - but to embark on a new career which has me focused on activities at an infinitesimally micro level - learning, practising, thinking, applying -all within the realm of my profession. So, no I am not plunging into the depths of new adventures - neither through travel nor through music; neither through books nor through art. If I imagine it in my head, I walk back slowly retracing the steps of the past 12 years, slowly climbing into my cocoon - a chrysalis yet again. That the burst of colours when I emerge this time will be vibrant and enduring - that is what I will BeLonging (for).
Recently however there has been a flurry of activities among my friends joining groups or becoming fans of groups. My best friend seems to be on a musical odyssey, leaving a colourful trail of musical genres and groups that I scarcely know of, as he frenetically adds his name to burgeoning fan-lists. Some have joined causes supporting rights of Indian women to celebrate Valentine's Day while others will attend a photo-essay supporting the rights of Nepali women to education. Groups are being formed to bring together old schoolmates from far flung cities together in cyberspace (one enterprising former classmate of mine got together about 18-20 members of our 50 strong Std X class after nearly 18yrs of no contact). Memories are being shared, anecdotes exchanged, embarrassing photographs uploaded and compared with current photos with families in tow.
Is it FaceBook/Internet and the avenue it provides for interaction on multiple planes and a grandiose scale or is it the economic crisis which has rocked our foundations, that is spurring this flight to attain a sense of belonging? Do we need to redefine ourselves not as bankers, consultants, journalists, teachers but as friends, activists, aficionados, intellectuals? Is it helping to turn the clock back a little, taking us to more exciting times where we dreamt of changing the world, stayed up all night discoursing ideas, sought to experience new sensations through music or written word or cinema? Or is it just that the crisis has left us with a lot of time on our hands?
I feel a sense of bewilderment amidst this activity though. I have chosen this time, not reach out wider or explore life from the perch of experience - but to embark on a new career which has me focused on activities at an infinitesimally micro level - learning, practising, thinking, applying -all within the realm of my profession. So, no I am not plunging into the depths of new adventures - neither through travel nor through music; neither through books nor through art. If I imagine it in my head, I walk back slowly retracing the steps of the past 12 years, slowly climbing into my cocoon - a chrysalis yet again. That the burst of colours when I emerge this time will be vibrant and enduring - that is what I will BeLonging (for).
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