I said I was ready for the vicissitudes of child-rearing. Bring it on - I said arrogantly. And boy has it ever been raked in - vicissitudes wise we are scaling some pretty decent heights. Dealing with major boundary issues - how much computer time are you allowed? When privilege of computer has been taken away for transgressions - how do you punish the child for sneaking behind your back and playing computer anyway while you are away. What to do about the cover ups of the sneaks ups. Are they lies? Or an act of self defence? Will not curbing them develop the child into a pathological liar? Will curbing them to harshly just induce the child to hide more?
The books and Dr Spock, wax eloquent about setting boundaries and communicating them very clearly to the child. They also say to communicate very clearly the consequences of not respecting the boundaries. They have been mum on the topic of communicating the consequences of not respecting the boundaries of the consequences. Huh, Say that again? That's right - I figure I am just a muddle headed mom - who does a bad job of communicating both boundaries and consequences.
And I fret - o how do I fret - about this whole parenting issue. The hubby has a fairly easy solution - swift smacks on the bottom. There's communication for you. But how long does this method last? Does it guarantee that when the bottom smack-able age has passed, a beautiful boundary bound and consequence cognizant adolescent rises from the ashes of this baffled 10 yr old.
And baffled he is - yes he has done things that he should not do - but he does not seem to be able to help himself. He nods vigorously when I practice the preachings of the books on him - perhaps just to get me to shut up - but I do sense a small child somewhere that wants to do what is right ..... but oh! no computer is so cruel a punishment and if she does not know I played computer on the sly, and I complete ALL my god zillion pages of homework -it should not really matter. Should it? If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, was there a sound? Or something like that.
I do love this child - so so much. I do fear where these green shoots of misdemeanour will lead to, unaware how they will develop - either into bigger mischief or to hinder the potential for achieving great things. I am hoping for the normal sitcom solution to such situations where the child miraculously understands the errors of his way and hugs his parent - and then willingly gets grounded of a month. Happily ever after.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
A Journey of a different kind
I return to a rather stale topic - working mom or stay at home mom. I got support from a rather unexpected source yesterday. My 9 yr old had been appalled when I quit my position as VP in a bank April 2008. "You will have no name cards!" he exclaimed. "And your Blackberry? You will have no blackberry!"
I had thought he would be thrilled at the idea of mom staying at home, but he was rather disconcerted. I later found out that that he used to very proudly tell everybody that his mother was a "Banker". Well, since the beginning of this year I have thrown myself with gusto into the business of Financial Advisory. I have been worrying whether in my desire to succeed in my chosen vocation I have been neglecting the children.
"So what do you think of Amma working as a Financial Consultant?" I ask.
"I think its good. You help others plan their finances, which is a good thing." say De thoughtfully.
"As good as being a banker?" ... "Yes, as good." comes the response.
"But do you think I should spend more time with you? "
"No, I think you are trying to spend some time with me - that's enough. Besides, I like asking you about your work."
"But don't you sometimes wish Amma would be at home and cook you your meals?". "Naat really....." says he, "Aunty can do it quite well! I think you would be better off going out to work. Anyway, just strike a balance between working and spending time with me. There is no need to give up working."
Children do have the knack of making things simple - if Aunty can do the cooking quite well, why on earth would you want to do it? My new namecard sits proudly in his collection of his parents' namecards - the blackberry is not missed, because I have all these wonderful software from various firms I represent spewing illustrations used in financial planning.
This has to be added to the list of grown up statements / reactions from De:
1) Amma, don't agonise your day, organise your day.
2) "Are you busy, Amma?" - the opening statement anytime a phone call is made to me during the day. The understanding he displays - his mother may be otherwise occupied and may not be immediately available - is to me, astounding. If I am in a meeting, it is always followed by "call me when you are free."
3) Its ok for you to want to do well in what you do Amma. I think it is quite natural for people to want to succeed in their chosen profession ....... (and I am not paraphrasing)
I do lament that I am unable to travel geographically due to a myriad of constraints - kids' school, financial consideration of 4 people travelling, kids' preferences when travelling, reluctance to holiday without the kids - oh the list is endless. But then I think of the journey this child has made - from almost sheer silence upto the age 3 to these incredibly fascinating conversations at almost 10. Through travel I mostly seek to grow as a human being - to understand different perspectives. As far as growth is concerned - this journey of parenthood has certainly been an intensely rewarding one.
I certainly look forward to the pittstops ahead - come as they might with warnings of treacherous alleys and slippery slopes through adolescence and beyond.
I had thought he would be thrilled at the idea of mom staying at home, but he was rather disconcerted. I later found out that that he used to very proudly tell everybody that his mother was a "Banker". Well, since the beginning of this year I have thrown myself with gusto into the business of Financial Advisory. I have been worrying whether in my desire to succeed in my chosen vocation I have been neglecting the children.
"So what do you think of Amma working as a Financial Consultant?" I ask.
"I think its good. You help others plan their finances, which is a good thing." say De thoughtfully.
"As good as being a banker?" ... "Yes, as good." comes the response.
"But do you think I should spend more time with you? "
"No, I think you are trying to spend some time with me - that's enough. Besides, I like asking you about your work."
"But don't you sometimes wish Amma would be at home and cook you your meals?". "Naat really....." says he, "Aunty can do it quite well! I think you would be better off going out to work. Anyway, just strike a balance between working and spending time with me. There is no need to give up working."
Children do have the knack of making things simple - if Aunty can do the cooking quite well, why on earth would you want to do it? My new namecard sits proudly in his collection of his parents' namecards - the blackberry is not missed, because I have all these wonderful software from various firms I represent spewing illustrations used in financial planning.
This has to be added to the list of grown up statements / reactions from De:
1) Amma, don't agonise your day, organise your day.
2) "Are you busy, Amma?" - the opening statement anytime a phone call is made to me during the day. The understanding he displays - his mother may be otherwise occupied and may not be immediately available - is to me, astounding. If I am in a meeting, it is always followed by "call me when you are free."
3) Its ok for you to want to do well in what you do Amma. I think it is quite natural for people to want to succeed in their chosen profession ....... (and I am not paraphrasing)
I do lament that I am unable to travel geographically due to a myriad of constraints - kids' school, financial consideration of 4 people travelling, kids' preferences when travelling, reluctance to holiday without the kids - oh the list is endless. But then I think of the journey this child has made - from almost sheer silence upto the age 3 to these incredibly fascinating conversations at almost 10. Through travel I mostly seek to grow as a human being - to understand different perspectives. As far as growth is concerned - this journey of parenthood has certainly been an intensely rewarding one.
I certainly look forward to the pittstops ahead - come as they might with warnings of treacherous alleys and slippery slopes through adolescence and beyond.
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