Never been much of a Valentine's Day fan. I remember a Valentine's Day with L at the NIE canteen opposite our hostel. After the canteen fare, L bought himself a bar of chocolate and went on to polish it off, without even attempting to offer me a piece. Or maybe he did and I declined, I can't quite recall, but there were no chocolates for me that day, that I remember. But we have been married for over 12 years now, where we have shared much more than chocolates. I came across a notebook where, in the early years of our marriage, we had recorded our expenses; L's neat letters slanting forwards contrasted with my big cursive swirls that seemed to want to break out of those pages. There were entries for movies where we had written down the names of the movies we watched, the restaurants we had dinners at; cab fares and clothes bought have been recorded too. Regrettably, we did not write down the names of the wines we imbibed, for there was many an entry for wine.
While harking back to lazier times prior to the arrival of children and accompanying avalanche of responsibilities, it also served as a reminder to early days of marriage - where laying the foundation in terms of our values was crucial. It helped very much that there was convergence in our thinking with regard to money - we both eschewed flashy expenditure, but were happy to spend a little within our means to enjoy life. What that notebook did not record was perhaps the divergence between my raging ambition and L's infuriating sense of contentment. I wanted to study further and would have loved to go abroad to pursue a Master's degree. L would hear nothing about it, it made no sense to him to be married and apart. What is the point of being married then, was his frequent retort. I would see marriage as an intellectual communion as well as physical one, where partners should facilitate each other's growth as individuals - and my growth depended on a Masters degree from somewhere in New York. Hogwash! - was how L, always a practical man, dismissed my 'intellectual' discourses.
Well, fast forward 12 yrs and no I did not go to New York to get that Masters degree. But, over the years there has been a convergence in our values of what we want from our of life as well. I have learnt that living in the present can be calming and nurturing, and ultimately a better platform for one to leap into the future. I have learnt that being with a person who loves you and wants to be "in the same country, same house, same living room as you" (as once L rather plaintively declared as the reason why he married me) - can provide that emotional support to an individual's growth as much as cutting edge intellectual debate can. My life is fuller for this realisation.
Couple of months ago, an excited L called me from KL, where he is now based (ironically away from his family on account of work) to talk about a training session he had just attended. The facilitator had sought to break the self imposed barriers in peoples' minds, that has them falling short of achieving their dreams. L spoke with passion about the activities at that session and concluded that he was charged to achieve something in his life. While the what is still undefined, something has changed in the hitherto laid back personality - who asserts he would have gladly been a chauffeur driving other people's Benzes, had he not been pushed by his parents to get an education. It had ignited a spark within himself to reach beyond the limits of his life. It may be hubris, but perhaps there is something of my desire for achievement in life that has rubbed off on him.
We are poised now at a place where our outlook on what we want out of life seems to be veering towards convergence. Career-wise, I have made a decision, that could theoretically make it possible for us convert that into practicality by building a business together in a 3-5 yr horizon. I pray to God to give us both the strength, patience and perseverance to achieve that. For now, hopefully we can both remember to "Screen the past, Cream the present and Dream the future"
Happy Valentine's Day, L
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