As a working mother of a 9 year old and a 5 year old, one would have imagined that I would have laid ghost of the 'working mother' vs 'stay at home mother' debate resolutely to rest. Well, actually, no, it still plagues conversations I have.
Here's summary of recent conversation at a birthday party.
Many of the conversations I had yesterday revolved round the perennial question women face on what is their place on earth. We recognise that family is of primary importance, yet it sometimes leaves us feeling that we then do not have any identity of our own. So we go through this futile exercise of going to work, finding no meaning there, staying at home, feeling uncertain about our identity - and overall frustrated. At the end of the continuum are the lucky women who are very sure of what they want to do - some are absolutely certain they want to work as that is the only qualification they will be satisfied with and there are the others who are very clear that home is where their calling is and nothing else will satisfy them. Most of us unfortunately fall in the middle and somehow feel trapped.
Yet, if you think about it - our generation is incredibly blessed. We had access to education. Our mothers in some instances and grandmothers certainly did not have that luxury. We are treated as equals in our marriages (well almost, I guess) - we do not face abusive relationships, we cannot even imagine how it would feel to be considered inferior and have our rights trampled upon as surely many women over the world do even today. Our children are healthy - our concerns are about the difference between band 1 and band 2 - not about finding food, medical aid or other amenities for our children. It is ironic that because we are so incredibly blessed we feel trapped by the options it offers us.
I think our cohort of women (ie educated, reasonably well off etc) should make it a mantra to tell ourselves that our life is about unending possibilities. The only limitations we place on ourselves emanate from our mind. We should ask ourselves searching questions on what would make us happy. We should help our friends to ask themselves these questions. The answers should not be coloured by any perceptions of society. We should not let our views on the matter colour our friends answers. Working women should not seek to justify their decision by commenting that women who choose to stay at home are wasting their education. Women who stay at home should not paint a working woman's life as money-chasing at the cost of family. Would it be that difficult to support a decision as one individual's decision?
We must recognise that trade offs will have to be made when we make our decisions one way or the other. We should then write down our decisions on a piece of paper - with the reasons why we believe we want to do it. And also what commitments we undertake to keep our balance - if your choice is to work, what is your commitment to your family. If your choice is to stay at home, what is your commitment to yourself. And give a copy to a good friend who understands you. And everytime we waver or feel trapped again, we should get this piece of paper out and tell ourselves this is why we did what we did. Periodically we should read this to say have we delivered on our commitment (of course if circumstances in life change and you are required to take a different decision, that would be different. So we must also have the maturity to be flexible). It should not matter whether there is a right thing to do - we should do what we feel is the right thing - without our decision of course causing harm to ourselves or our families.
I must suck the fun out of birthday parties. Next time I will only talk about SRK's dimples.
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